Do you ever have those moments where you are just jumping out of your skin with anticipation, but the anticipation is directed at nothing specific? But suddenly there’s this feeling in your bones that possibility and the future and the rest of your life is the coolest, most experimental and bitchin-est gift you’ve ever been given? Like a Mac truck out of nowhere? It’s happening to me right now– at this very second. I’m experiencing it as such a unique sensation, that in the middle of working (shh) I felt literally compelled to start writing– to do my best at capturing this feeling before it fades out.
I’m sitting here today, as a receptionist, with goals. And dreams. And ideas. And interests. Duh. We all do. But there are moments when all of those golden pebbles of the future, kept patiently on a shelf, well up inside me like a surge and in the most literal way possible, I feel that wave of wanting and dreaming start to scream in every extremity of my body. An explosion of physical and mental inspiration. My tailbone aches. The joints in my fingers warm.The back of my arms tickle. My legs clench and it takes everything inside me not to grab my purse, get in my car and drive towards a new adventure. Or something that I think will bring me closer to that moment of sublime inspiration. What I would imagine the polar opposite, but a tiny bit as torturous as a panic attack would feel.
Do I sound insane? Am I the only one?
I think this particular hit is coming on because for the first time in a really. long. time. I can see myself closing in on what I want. Going to school for something that you’ve wanted to do your whole life and then realizing that you are changing course messed with my head. For a good and long time. But through stumblings and true honesty with myself and giving two big, fat birds to the fear inside me, I’ve started to find my course.
I’m so far from there still. I mean, hi. “GoldenComm. this is Julia.” We’ve got a little ways to go. But I feel like it’s coming into focus. I’m seeing glints in the distance. And I’m hearing good things. And people are welcoming me. And that feels damn good. And makes me want to ACTUALLY get up and dance. Until I’m good and sweaty. The sweatiest.
K. Back to work.