Today is Saturday. The Saturday that I have been simultaneously praying for and dreading. I have no work today for the first time since I’ve been here– really longer than that because of how rushed this last 10 weeks has felt. And with all the possibilities of the city finally available to me, I feel this overwhelming responsibility to spend these moments carefully. And really- to spend this summer carefully. In this single week that I’ve already been here, I have felt so much and given so much and changed so much. Something that is not easy for me to admit to.
I can already tell this summer is one of growth and challenges and pains but an incredibly special time.
Last night, I got home from work around 6:00- much earlier than the late nights I have been pulling since market started. I sat there, on my small bed, in my small room in the silence before I realized that all I wanted to do was sleep. So I did. I slept for 5 hours. When I woke up at midnight, I felt like I was trapped. Maybe I was still dreaming. So I went back to sleep.
I woke up this morning knowing that I must explore today. For some reason, the phrase “Explore or explode” kept running through my head. That made me laugh. So I got up. Changed clothes three time. Left my apartment and my two sleeping roommates and started walking. Towards the L train. I must go to Brooklyn. Brooklyn has been taunting me. Every day, at the end of work, I get on the L train to go home from uptown Spring St. and I always get off the train just before we reach Brooklyn. So I knew that I had to start there.
I’ve never felt so alone. I’ve never felt so alive.
I’m sitting in a coffee shop on Manhattan Ave. It’s cold outside and a man with a three legged dog is eating the most delicious looking sandwich. How amazing would it be if I just walked up to him and his dog, said hello, took a bite of his sandwich and left. Ha! Maybe I will. I feel a bit reckless.
The tone of this post is like nothing I’ve ever shared before on this blog but I feel like its ok. This summer is already such a surprise compared to anything that I was expecting and an important experience and it calls for complete transparency.
I apologize for being less accessible to you all this week- blogwise, texting, calling. I promise I’m doing good.
(one last thing: I have a feeling that I’m going to maybe get a lot of concerned texts/ phones calls in the next 24 hours. Seriously. I’m fine. Haha. This is the first time in my whole entire life that I have been challenged in this way. It’s good! I promise!)