I am in a state of juggle.
That was an odd way of saying that….
I am juggling a lot. No.
I feel like I’m juggling so much right now.
That makes more sense. …Juggling is such a weird word.
You guys, I feel like it has been ages since I wrote a whole long ranting post on here about the monotonous details of my day or the extreme stress that I am feeling or maybe my irrational fears of the future.
In a way, not talking about such familiar topics in a while leaves me feeling so disconnected from my blog/blog readers lately. But when I think about it, I guess I haven’t written about any of that because I haven’t been feeling any of that. Which is such a great thing.
This has been, without a doubt, the most rigorous and busy quarter at SCAD yet, but I also feel the most comfortable and the happiest with all of my work than I ever have before. I finally feel like I’ve taken the leap from total self doubt and insecurity to a solid comfortability of what I should know at this level. There is still SO much that I have to learn and I still feel completely out of my league when it comes to the talent level of some of my peers, but for the first time, it doesn’t scare me. And I know that it’s only a matter of time before I get to be at their level. And it isn’t through luck or natural skill (usually), but through hard work and the classes that I have yet to take. Duh.
With all of that being said, in this new found confidence of myself and my completely unpredictable future, I have grown a new insecurity: Being insecure about being so secure. What? Julia, why are you such a goon?
Sometimes I feel so used to the idea of panic and not living up to the level of my peers that now that it’s going away, I am uncomfortable.
What is there to complain about? What do I do with all of these new ideas for projects that I’ve never had before? Why are you so calm about your plans for this summer? Hey, by the way, where are you and your large clan of roommates going to live next year when your house gets sold?
The answer to this and thousands of other non-answerable and mind bending questions is, of course: WHO KNOWS? WHO CARES? MOVE ON.
Since when am I so comfortable with those answers? I don’t know when it happened or if it’s going to last, but for now, I am so happy with just throwing myself into the work that I do have and enjoying the fact that I am enjoying it.
And for some reason, that’s enough for me right now.