A few weeks ago, the emotional girl version of Julia took over and posted this huge long rant about how hard her life is and why being at such an amazing school with so many amazing opportunities is so difficult and terrible. And when that really boring and pathetic pity party was over I put my big girl panties back on and dealt with what was really going on. Which was fear.
Essentially, the only reason I was so hesitant about something that I’ve wanted to do for as long as I can remember is because things are actually becoming reality and that scares me. When I really took a step back, the only thing that I was afraid of was not being good enough for what possibilities may lay ahead. This, along with the realization that I feel the need to control just about everything in my life has made the last few weeks very interesting.
On top of this, I’ve been recently trying to be more self aware and really observe how my attitude and actions have affects on the people around me. This is turning out to be quite the eye opening experience and quite convicting on many levels. Self improvement is proving to be very difficult but, I can already tell, very worth it.
So this leads me to my decision about my major. It’s a good thing I kept putting off writing this post because my decision has seemed to evolve just about every day since the last time I talked about this. Finally, last night I think I really settled on what I want to do (for now, at least). I’m going to be….drumroll, please….a fashion major! Wow. Doesn’t it feel like I already made this decision? Let me say it again for emphasis. A fashion major. No minor. No glitz. No frills. Just fashion. Lets go through the thought process here. The cycle went from Fashion Major with a Writing minor (before the mental break down of 2 weeks ago) to Fibers Major to Fibers major with a Fashion minor to a Fashion major with a Fibers minor and then settling last night on just a good old solid Fashion major (still tracking?).
How, you may ask? Wellll, the other day I was at my desk with a black sharpie, two fat highlighters and huge calendar trying to figure out a way to squeeze all the required classes of a minor and a major into 4 ridiculously fast years. I realized that the only way to do this would be taking way over a full load for the next 3 years. At first, I didn’t think this would be impossible. Yes, a challenge, but something I could handle. But over the weekend, after really thinking about it and talking to a couple girls who are doing this same thing this quarter, some concerns were raised. And last night, the real deal breaker came when I sat down to map out my spring quarter and thought to myself “Wow, Julia. You are hardly going to be able to next quarter’s regular load– let alone adding extra classes. Heaven’s sake, you are making quite lofty goals for yourself!” And it hit me. Why do I feel the need to do everything? I do not yet know the answer to this question but I’m pretty sure that a solution to not having to find out the hard way is to not to try and do everything. And this isn’t me doubting myself and my ability to juggle tons of balls (…a-hem…). But I can still take all the classes I really want to without having to kill myself with officially having a minor in anything! I can have my fashion cake, eat it too and probably end up throwing it up so I can be skinny just like the rest of the girls! Just kidding. Seriously. I’m kidding. Why in the world would I waste good cake like that?
After making this realization silently in my head, I felt the urge to scream it out loud like I’d figured out the earth isn’t flat. So that’s what I did. I turned to Claire and yelped “I don’t have to minor in anything! And I can still, like, learn a lot and get a job and be happy!” and she looked at me and smiled “Yes! Yay!” And that was it.
Julia Patton: Fashion Major.
I feel great. I feel capable. I am so ready to be a fashion major and rock at it. And I’m so excited to take all of my electives and use them up in every way possible in the fibers building. Wow. So great.
Before I wrap this up, can I please just say that you guys are seriously the best ever. For days after I posted the big womp womp that shall not be named, I received so many supportive e-mails, calls and comments that not only were encouraging and made me feel loved, but also were very helpful in my thought process. I have been so so so blessed with everyones reassurance that it was going to be ok. I need that. I have a tendency to freak out and its so helpful to know that I’m being heard. And allowed to freak out. Because eventually, through God and the support of those around me, I stop freaking out long enough to realize that it’s not up to me. I’m just along for the ever bumpy and unpredictably amazing ride.
Final Disclaimer: I am allowed to change my mind tomorrow. 🙂
(Also, for those of you wondering what ever happened to the poor old writing department, I think I’m going to keep all my musings on this here little website for now. Keep all the journalism to the democrats.)